Evening Thoughts of the Day

No more excuses. From now on, it’s post at least once a day, preferrably twice with my morning thoughts and evening thoughts. In my rare moments of thinking further than two weeks into the future, I envision a life where I’m stable, able to pay back my family, and doing something I love.

Unfortunately, I have a twangy feeling in my heart that tells me I’m only going to get two of those, because that’s how Life makes sure I’m not getting too cocky. As if it’s ever given me the chance to get cocky. For once, I really would like to rock out with my cock out. Not just get by  . . . with my cock shy?

For my own future reference (and future memoir), I’m currently in a transitional phase where I’m debating applying to the Americorps or an unpaid internship at a banging art gallery. Not that the service army will pay me much more than minimum but it’s something. And really, considering the fact that I’ve already squandered, like, tens of thousands of dollars on an education I’ll never finish, something is better than nothing.

Right-o. Momentary bitterness is momentary.

Moving right along, is it sad that I’m actually getting life advice from watching House’s struggles with therapy? This should definitely be a fandom secret.

Exciting weekend ahead. I’ll just have to remember to post about it. Maybe string up some pictures. Make this place look livable. Put an Ikea futon in the corner and all the fly guys will be flocking at my metaphorical doorstep.

Y’know, if they haven’t been confused by my cock jokes. 😀

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For Future Remembrance

I was back on campus last weekend to visit my various room mates and friends, and basically to disrupt their lives with my craziness. Disruptions to exams and labs aside, it was a great weekend. Even if I hadn’t been able to hang out with various friends or watch the Culture Show, it would have been fun just to be able to speak to someone in my age group and get out of the house. Not that any of my friends looked shinier because I was socially deprived. They looked just as shiny or tired or beautiful or bogged down with school work and senior year angst as I would have expected them to be. And I love them for it.

It was wonderful to finally sit down and have a long conversation with Sunshine. I quite seriously felt awful leaving her to senior year. Not that she’s short on friends or confidantes but just as I depend on her for just general bursts of niceness and tolerance of my craziness, I feel that she depends on me for unloading of chest type thoughts.

I wish I weren’t quite so neurotic and socially ignorant and mis-self-aware but it didn’t impede the conversation too much, thank god. So we had a nice long conversation while circling the campus (and following trails and confusing the security) in the blistering cold, and it felt so good. Sunshine told me how things were going with her cousin and family, and at the moment things are at a standstill. He apparently festooned her with gifts with the understanding that she would fall madly in love with him, or at least be more appreciative of him. And unfortunately, a great many people do give gifts for the purpose of rising in someone’s esteem. But the true gift is given purely for the purpose of giving the receiver joy. And when she explained to me how she felt about this, I could feel her (sub)consciously comparing her cousin to Sunshane. I was comparing, too.

She was right. When Sunshane gets her things, you can tell by the nature of the gifts and by his nature that he gets things that he thinks she needs or will enjoy or that he likes for her. And really, he probably likes it when Sunshine likes him for the gifts he gets her. But I’m willing to attribute the more romantic and generous properties of gift giving to him because of the way Sunshine views him. Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as close to Shane as I was freshman year. I lost base with him sophomore year, and I’m just now regaining that ground. Mostly because I’m changing but he’s changed, too. It’s good stuff. It just sucks that it’s happening senior year.

She’s going to have to talk to him before Winter Break, because she’s going to have to say something to her family by then. I wouldn’t blame her if she left it ’til graduation but Winter Break, or Intersession really makes the most sense since it’ll give her time. Spring Break will probably be too busy and short for this kind of talk. I’m wracking my brains trying to figure out what to do for her. Hopefully I can think of something. But she’s got brains and courage, and no matter what I’m standing by her. My only worry at this point is that she turns from the set course (even if temporarily) to find that her other course isn’t strong enough to hold her forever. Everyone, including myself, kind of just assumes that it’s a forever kind of deal, in a starcrossed kind of way, but there’s always the possibility that it’s not. Then what? Anyways, hopefully I can go see her this weekend, get a bit of an update.

It’s great to see various others, too. Iris of Bethesda, Zia, and Vivi. I actually spent some time with the Asian Girls, and had another nice conversation with Julie, which was actually more egocentric than I had anticipated. Egocentric on my part, of course. Hopefully, at some point I will figure out the Chippy/Zia situation and then Hell will freeze over. John has apparently gone shopping for more normal friends, and god knows how that will turn out. I’ve got my fingers crossed for I of B’s interviews. Actually, everyone’s various applications and interviews. It’s just really weird to think that this time next year, at least eighty percent of them will be in different parts of the country, and I’m not sure who I’ll be keeping in touch with. I haven’t exactly been doing a great job with my high school acquaintances. Well, we’ll see. That’s why this post is here. To remind the future me of what was happening at this particular moment in time and space.