WOE

I apparently FAIL at life. Still got three papers due Monday, and now am behind on a story. And my sleep schedule is insanely not right.

I’m pretty sure my professors are all either hating me or disappointed in me at this point.

Things are falling apart. I’m watching it all fall apart, and all I have to do is hold it together with my hands, and I’m not moving.

This is not pain. This is motherfucking stupidity in the most motherfucking insane way.

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Spring icumen in . . .

In this year of 2008, we have reached the beginning of a new spring, with bird song and blossoming plants serving as apprehensively viewed harbingers of the season. The wind holds a promise of change but all one must do to ignore this call is to hide in the depths of a cave of one’s own making. Of the mind and of the body, a cage has been built. A cage of weakness and fault, out of which it takes courage I do not possess to climb out. When I encounter a stray patch of sunlight, I simultaneously reach and shy away. Perhaps, one day, I will possess the need, if not the courage, to start the long and strenuous climb out of the depths I have burrowed myself into.

Que sera sera

What a load of crock. We might not exactly be able to plan our future, and shit happens, whether it be good or bad, but that doesn’t mean you can’t place yourself on a path, if you really want to.

 Possibly, I’m being a bit too reactionary. My idea of the world is moderation in all things. The middle ground between extremes cuz that’s usually the way things work out. Most situations aren’t just one or the other but an odd configuration of both or all three or all fifteen decisions and random events. Take my current “living in parents’ basement cuz I dropped out of college” scenario. I’ve basically managed to bumfuck my life starting from junior year of high school. But it took about twenty years of life and growing up a certain way to get here. I’ve become a lazy-ass, afraid-of-hard-work-and-the-world kinda person. Five years ago, I couldn’t ever have seen this for myself. But then again, five years ago, I couldn’t even imagine what life outside of schoolwork would’ve looked like.

My main goal in life is just this: to never have to panic again. My flight response has developed to the point that I’m ready to run at a second’s notice, and I manage to build myself up to a high-strung, on-the-edge, vibrating limbs tension fairly easily. Which all adds up to a very cowardly lion indeed. I hate that I’m such a coward. It leads me to lying to friends, family, and the world. Then hiding under the sheets for the consequences to drop on my head. I’ve managed to disappoint a disturbing number of fairly important people in my life. And all I can think to do is to keep running. I know that all it takes a small step of strength. Then another. And another.

This evening, my brother bet me that I couldn’t finish thirty pieces of sushi. I was joking when I said that I would. I’ve never eaten more than, say, six-ten pieces at a time. And I wasn’t even particularly hungry this evening. But for some reason, I thought,” Fuck it, I’m going to do this.” So I did. It took some doing, and some help from my glass of water and my brother as a cheering and jeering presence but mostly it took strength. A small and idiotic thing to decide to be strong about. I’m not sure it even counts as being strong. But I felt just the tiniest bit accomplished when I finished that last bite.  

Eventually, I’ll be acting strong all the time, to the point where I hopefully actually become strong. That’s what makes anti-heroes and certain villains-turned-heroes so great and interesting. They start from a weak or evil nature but manage to overcome their shortcomings to become good people. And there’s nothing I admire more in this world than a genuinely good person.

So here’s my New Year’s Hope/Resolution. To figure my life out. Even if it takes one small, hateful, desperately hard step after another to get there, I’ll do it. I’m still fuzzy on details. And the character to see it through. But I don’t want my life to end this way. And I don’t want to lose any more time to laziness and fear.

Bubble Girl

It’s wierd living in this bubble I’ve made for myself. Every once in a while I need to confront real life but for the most part I can live pretty comfortably just ignoring the parts of the world I don’t want to live in. And my parents, god bless them, enable me to the hilt. At least so far. I’m a waste of human space but I’d much rather be the person who becomes the 440 lb, literally stuck to the couch crazy than confront life right now. Hopefully I’ll  change my mind before that actually happens. But we’ll see.

 At least I’ve got crazy ass, increasingly horrible television to entertain me while I descend into a hell of my own making. 🙂

For Future Remembrance

I was back on campus last weekend to visit my various room mates and friends, and basically to disrupt their lives with my craziness. Disruptions to exams and labs aside, it was a great weekend. Even if I hadn’t been able to hang out with various friends or watch the Culture Show, it would have been fun just to be able to speak to someone in my age group and get out of the house. Not that any of my friends looked shinier because I was socially deprived. They looked just as shiny or tired or beautiful or bogged down with school work and senior year angst as I would have expected them to be. And I love them for it.

It was wonderful to finally sit down and have a long conversation with Sunshine. I quite seriously felt awful leaving her to senior year. Not that she’s short on friends or confidantes but just as I depend on her for just general bursts of niceness and tolerance of my craziness, I feel that she depends on me for unloading of chest type thoughts.

I wish I weren’t quite so neurotic and socially ignorant and mis-self-aware but it didn’t impede the conversation too much, thank god. So we had a nice long conversation while circling the campus (and following trails and confusing the security) in the blistering cold, and it felt so good. Sunshine told me how things were going with her cousin and family, and at the moment things are at a standstill. He apparently festooned her with gifts with the understanding that she would fall madly in love with him, or at least be more appreciative of him. And unfortunately, a great many people do give gifts for the purpose of rising in someone’s esteem. But the true gift is given purely for the purpose of giving the receiver joy. And when she explained to me how she felt about this, I could feel her (sub)consciously comparing her cousin to Sunshane. I was comparing, too.

She was right. When Sunshane gets her things, you can tell by the nature of the gifts and by his nature that he gets things that he thinks she needs or will enjoy or that he likes for her. And really, he probably likes it when Sunshine likes him for the gifts he gets her. But I’m willing to attribute the more romantic and generous properties of gift giving to him because of the way Sunshine views him. Unfortunately, I’m not nearly as close to Shane as I was freshman year. I lost base with him sophomore year, and I’m just now regaining that ground. Mostly because I’m changing but he’s changed, too. It’s good stuff. It just sucks that it’s happening senior year.

She’s going to have to talk to him before Winter Break, because she’s going to have to say something to her family by then. I wouldn’t blame her if she left it ’til graduation but Winter Break, or Intersession really makes the most sense since it’ll give her time. Spring Break will probably be too busy and short for this kind of talk. I’m wracking my brains trying to figure out what to do for her. Hopefully I can think of something. But she’s got brains and courage, and no matter what I’m standing by her. My only worry at this point is that she turns from the set course (even if temporarily) to find that her other course isn’t strong enough to hold her forever. Everyone, including myself, kind of just assumes that it’s a forever kind of deal, in a starcrossed kind of way, but there’s always the possibility that it’s not. Then what? Anyways, hopefully I can go see her this weekend, get a bit of an update.

It’s great to see various others, too. Iris of Bethesda, Zia, and Vivi. I actually spent some time with the Asian Girls, and had another nice conversation with Julie, which was actually more egocentric than I had anticipated. Egocentric on my part, of course. Hopefully, at some point I will figure out the Chippy/Zia situation and then Hell will freeze over. John has apparently gone shopping for more normal friends, and god knows how that will turn out. I’ve got my fingers crossed for I of B’s interviews. Actually, everyone’s various applications and interviews. It’s just really weird to think that this time next year, at least eighty percent of them will be in different parts of the country, and I’m not sure who I’ll be keeping in touch with. I haven’t exactly been doing a great job with my high school acquaintances. Well, we’ll see. That’s why this post is here. To remind the future me of what was happening at this particular moment in time and space.

Ignoramus

Is it wrong that I can feel what little intelligence I have dribbling out of my ears daily? I woke up this morning trying to figure out something about circumferences and diameters, and I couldn’t. I literally can not remember any of the required equations and measurements to figure out an everyday mathematics problem.  This horrifies me. Three years ago, I could do this stuff in my sleep. Three years ago, I could study and learn and memorize. I look at myself now, and I don’t know what I’ve become. I literally feel like I’ve become more stupid.

I have become more ignorant if not actively less intelligent. I don’t remember basic geometry and algebra, I can’t memorize basic biology, I have trouble figuring out common sense situations. Plus, I can’t write worth shit. And if I don’t have that, what do I have?

I have got to stop angst-ing all over the place. It leaves a terrible mess that I just have to clean up later.

Stranger in a Strange Land

That’s how I’m feeling. Maudlin and alone, like a grandparent whose family doesn’t really have the time or inclination to visit. But that’s only a part of it because the situation I’m in is of my own making, and people do reach out to me, just in the wrong ways.

My parents, Catholic god love them, are trying to fix this the only way they know, which is to be domineering and steadfastly traditional.

My friends, whose help I would like but that would mean bringing them into my problems and troubles when they’ve got enough of their own. I keep disappointing them by my foolishness but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to see them. I just miss talking to someone at least somewhat honestly and participating in life.

As soon as I admit to myself that I’m not ready to take on the world just yet.