Que sera sera

What a load of crock. We might not exactly be able to plan our future, and shit happens, whether it be good or bad, but that doesn’t mean you can’t place yourself on a path, if you really want to.

 Possibly, I’m being a bit too reactionary. My idea of the world is moderation in all things. The middle ground between extremes cuz that’s usually the way things work out. Most situations aren’t just one or the other but an odd configuration of both or all three or all fifteen decisions and random events. Take my current “living in parents’ basement cuz I dropped out of college” scenario. I’ve basically managed to bumfuck my life starting from junior year of high school. But it took about twenty years of life and growing up a certain way to get here. I’ve become a lazy-ass, afraid-of-hard-work-and-the-world kinda person. Five years ago, I couldn’t ever have seen this for myself. But then again, five years ago, I couldn’t even imagine what life outside of schoolwork would’ve looked like.

My main goal in life is just this: to never have to panic again. My flight response has developed to the point that I’m ready to run at a second’s notice, and I manage to build myself up to a high-strung, on-the-edge, vibrating limbs tension fairly easily. Which all adds up to a very cowardly lion indeed. I hate that I’m such a coward. It leads me to lying to friends, family, and the world. Then hiding under the sheets for the consequences to drop on my head. I’ve managed to disappoint a disturbing number of fairly important people in my life. And all I can think to do is to keep running. I know that all it takes a small step of strength. Then another. And another.

This evening, my brother bet me that I couldn’t finish thirty pieces of sushi. I was joking when I said that I would. I’ve never eaten more than, say, six-ten pieces at a time. And I wasn’t even particularly hungry this evening. But for some reason, I thought,” Fuck it, I’m going to do this.” So I did. It took some doing, and some help from my glass of water and my brother as a cheering and jeering presence but mostly it took strength. A small and idiotic thing to decide to be strong about. I’m not sure it even counts as being strong. But I felt just the tiniest bit accomplished when I finished that last bite.  

Eventually, I’ll be acting strong all the time, to the point where I hopefully actually become strong. That’s what makes anti-heroes and certain villains-turned-heroes so great and interesting. They start from a weak or evil nature but manage to overcome their shortcomings to become good people. And there’s nothing I admire more in this world than a genuinely good person.

So here’s my New Year’s Hope/Resolution. To figure my life out. Even if it takes one small, hateful, desperately hard step after another to get there, I’ll do it. I’m still fuzzy on details. And the character to see it through. But I don’t want my life to end this way. And I don’t want to lose any more time to laziness and fear.

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